Duality of Roles

When God created Adam and Eve, he assigned them specific roles, and those roles have continued to this time. After all, God is perfect, and if He created those roles for them—Adam to preside in love and righteousness, and Eve to care for home and family in equal partnership with her husband—the roles are clearly perfect. They are designed to create harmony, structure, and efficiency in the home. Presiding doesn’t mean ruling over.

“A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto. Of necessity there must be in the Church and in the home a presiding officer (see Doctrine and Covenants 107:21). By divine appointment, the responsibility to preside in the home rests upon the priesthood holder (see Moses 4:22). The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership. Presiding in righteousness necessitates a shared responsibility between husband and wife; together you act with knowledge and participation in all family matters. For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion” (Howard W. Hunter, “Being a Righteous Husband and Father,” Ensign, Nov 1994, 49).

Many people misunderstand this concept and believe women in traditional homes are subjugated and of lesser importance. Nothing could be further from the truth. God doesn’t favor one gender over the other. He loves His sons equally with His daughters and gave them each critical roles to fill. Eternal Marriage One unique aspect of LDS marriage  is the eternal nature of it. The Church teaches that marriages performed under the proper priesthood authority can last forever. We won’t be asked to divorce our spouses at death and somehow turn off the powerful love and connection we were commanded to develop on earth. Eternal marriage between a worthy man and woman has always been part of God’s plan for us. Adam and Eve were married for eternity and told to work together in partnership to care for their children and to raise them well. The Savior, during His earthly ministry, said in Matthew 19:4-6, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Latter-day Saints are known for their temples, where eternal marriages are performed. Temple-building was an important part of the restoration of the gospel. Members of the Church were taught that their worthy earthly marriages could, when the temple covenants were restored, become eternal marriages. This was, for those who were happily married, one of the greatest privileges that came with the restoration. Those who had children could have the security of knowing their children were theirs forever.

Joseph Smith  didn’t teach about eternal marriage until several years after the Church was established, and he did so to small numbers of people at first. Parley P. Pratt, one of the leaders of the Church, first learned of it in Philadelphia, from the prophet himself, while they were there together. The realization of what this meant, that he didn’t, as he’d been taught in other churches, have to learn to fall out of love with his wife someday in order to be of Heavenly quality, was an extraordinarily exciting idea to him. Here’s what he wrote in his journal about that day:

“It was Joseph Smith who taught me how to prize the endearing relationships of father and mother, husband and wife; of brother and sister, son and daughter.

“It was from him that I learned that the wife of my bosom might be secured to me for time and all eternity; and that the refined sympathies and affections which endeared us to each other emanated from the fountain of divine eternal love. It was from him that I learned that we might cultivate these affections, and grow and increase in the same to all eternity; while the result of our endless union would be an offspring as numerous as the stars of heaven, or the sands of the sea shore. …

“I had loved before, but I knew not why. But now I loved-with a pureness-an intensity of elevated, exalted feeling, which would lift my soul from the transitory things of this grovelling sphere and expand it as the ocean. I felt that God was my heavenly Father indeed; that Jesus was my brother, and that the wife of my bosom was an immortal, eternal companion; a kind ministering angel, given to me as a comfort, and a crown of glory for ever and ever. In short, I could now love with the spirit and with the understanding also” (Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1979, pp. 297-98).

It’s interesting that no other church teaches about eternal marriage. People claim, when speaking only doctrinally, that they believe marriage is only for this life-time and that the family relationship won’t matter in Heaven. They claim to be completely comfortable with this. And yet, what do you hear when their second parent dies? “Mom and Dad are together again. I’m so glad.” What do you hear when a child dies? “He’s in Heaven waiting for me there.” When a child loses a parent, he is often told, “Mommy is in Heaven watching over you and you’ll be with her again someday.” Many people have brains that refuse to believe in eternal families, and yet, our hearts know it’s true. People long to have their families with them forever.Marriages are the heart of the eternal gospel of the Savior and God. With a properly performed marriage and a commitment to create a loving home, the family begins, and the family is the center of the gospel as it’s practiced on earth.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

God established the pattern for families when He created Adam and Eve, declared them married, and commanded them to have and raise children. He personally created the very first earthly family and instructed us to follow His example.

In 1995, concerned about the erosion of the family, the prophet Gordon B. Hinckley  announced an exciting new proclamation in a worldwide meeting for women. This proclamation made clear the teachings of God concerning the appropriate pattern for families. In introducing this proclamation, he said,

“How bitter are the fruits of casting aside standards of virtue. The statistics are appalling. More than one-fourth of all children born in the United States are born out of wedlock, and the situation grows more serious. Of the teens who give birth, 46 percent will go on welfare within four years; of unmarried teens who give birth, 73 percent will be on welfare within four years. (See Starting Points—Meeting the Needs of Our Youngest Children, New York: Carnegie Corporation, 1994, pp. 4, 21.) I believe that it should be the blessing of every child to be born into a home where that child is welcomed, nurtured, loved, and blessed with parents, a father and a mother, who live with loyalty to one another and to their children.”

He went on to share the positive effects of loving families, and to offer support and encouragement to those who lived in less than ideal situation. The Proclamation begins with these elevating, bold statements:

“We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

“All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”

The proclamation then outlines the essential elements of marriage and family according to God’s plan. It reminds us we lived with God prior to our birth and agreed to all parts of the plan. In this plan, we were promised that we could, if we were willing to work toward it, have our families for all eternity. What an extraordinary gift from a loving Heavenly Father! Can anyone in a loving family bear the thought of spending eternity without those they love most?

The proclamation further states that

“God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” Note that this requires not just spiritual marriage, but one sanctioned by the laws of the land.

God intended that mothers and fathers would work together in loving partnership to raise children who would love their Savior and their God. This requires marriage, a relationship which teaches and empowers the family concept of partnership.

Just as gender was determined long before we came to earth, gender roles were also determined then. The proclamation states:

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”

The proclamation warns against abuse, infidelity, and neglect, which is not a part of God’s plan, and promises that those who honor their God-given responsibilities toward the family will receive the God-given blessings that go with that responsibility.

To read the entire proclamation and the speech that introduced it, read,  “Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,” by Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov 1995, 98.

In the home, men and women work as equals, respecting their differing roles, to complete the work God gave them. The husband is the head of the home, but this doesn’t mean he’s the boss. It simply means he presides.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a church leader, and his wife, Marie, wrote an enlightening article on the roles of husbands and wives in a spiritually focused family:

“The concept of interdependent, equal partners is well-grounded in the doctrine of the restored gospel. Eve was Adam’s “help meet” (Genesis 2:18). The original Hebrew for meet means that Eve was adequate for, or equal to, Adam. She wasn’t his servant or his subordinate. And the Hebrew for help in “help meet” is ezer, a term meaning that Eve drew on heavenly powers when she supplied their marriage with the spiritual instincts uniquely available to women as a gender gift…”

 Genesis 3:16 states that Adam is to “rule over” Eve, but this doesn’t make Adam a dictator. A ruler can be a measuring tool that sets standards. Then Adam would live so that others may measure the rightness of their conduct by watching his. Being a ruler is not so much a privilege of power as an obligation to practice what a man preaches. Also, over in “rule over” uses the Hebrew bet, which means ruling with, not ruling over. If a man does exercise “dominion … in any degree of unrighteousness” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:37; emphasis added), God terminates that man’s authority  (Bruce C. Hafen and Marie K. Hafen, “Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners,” Ensign, Aug 2007, 24-29).

The man is not the ruler of the house in the sense we often think of it. He presides over the home, which has an entirely different meaning than to rule. He and his wife work together to lead their children and make both spiritual and temporal decisions.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches that gender and the roles that accompany gender were assigned prior to birth, and that we agreed to them before coming here. (The Church teaches that we all lived as spirits with our Father in Heaven before our birth. To learn more about this, please read, “You Lived With God.”) (off-site link)

LDS women don’t feel subjugated by God’s choice for their roles. They love caring for their homes and families and consider it every bit as important as earning money. Not everything of value comes with a price tag attached, at least not in an eternal world. Because the Church teaches that home is the center of God’s plan, having a critical role in the home is an honor.

LDS women are encouraged to remain in the home until their children are grown. Many do choose to work, however, or need to work, and no church penalties are enacted as a result. It’s a choice made by the family in consultation with God.

The women are, however, strongly advised to obtain educations that will allow them to take on a career should it become necessary. In addition, church work gives women opportunities to develop skills that carry over into the workforce, and women often take on outside volunteer projects or earn a little extra money from home. They’re encouraged to purse a life of independent learning. All of this ensures they are ready to enter the workforce should the time come. In the meantime, however, those with children are freed from the complications of trying to earn the paycheck and care for the children at the same time. They’re able to focus their primary attention on their children for those few years their children are young.

On Monday nights, everyone in the family makes a special effort to be at home. In the evening the family gathers for its own personal meeting. Generally, these meetings begin with a song and prayer, like any other church meeting. Then a lesson is taught, followed by an activity, refreshments, and a closing song and prayer.

This program was started in 1915 by Joseph F. Smith. He was a prophet for the Church, and isn’t recognized by the FLDS, so this program is another way we differ from them. President Smith wanted to encourage LDS families to make family life a top priority in the lives of its members. No church meetings may be held that night in order to help families keep it open.

The mother and father oversee the program, but generally, everyone in the family helps out. The lesson might be prepared and taught by a three-year-old (with a little help from a parent or older sibling). The music might be led by a kindergartener. Refreshments could be made by a teenager, and another child might conduct the meeting. Assignments normally rotate each week, so everyone learns how to do everything in the security of the home environment. Since the Mormon Church has a lay clergy, all the skills learned in family home evening are also needed within the wider church, and a child who has learned to prepare and teach a lesson or lead the music is able to serve comfortably when old enough to do it in church, and is prepared to do it in his own home when he’s grown.

There is a lesson manual families can use to help them prepare lessons. The Church’s website also has materials. However, families are also free to choose their own topics and materials to meet the unique needs of their own family.

Family home evening gives families one evening a week to be together in a busy life. It allows parents to share the values that matter to them with their children and to increase bonds.

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believe the family unit can continue forever. Family members who truly love one another cannot imagine being happy without those they love. God emphasized the importance of families when He created a first family, not just a loose collection of random people. He placed in our hearts the ability to love our families in a way we love no one else, and a longing to be together forever.

LDS families, knowing they can be together forever, put a strong emphasis on family life. They want their families to be loving, and worthy of creating lasting bonds, and family home evening is a way to do this.

Here’s how typical LDS families spend the Sabbath, which is Sunday (in Christian countries, Saturday in Israel, Friday in Egypt).

Saturdays are busy days for most LDS families. The focus for Sunday is on keeping the Sabbath day holy, as we’ve been instructed in the Ten Commandments. For that reason, on Saturday, the family takes some time to clean the house, make basic meal preparations, select and clean clothes for the Sabbath, and do any other preparations that will leave them free to focus on the Savior the next day.

If all goes well—and since members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are mostly like anyone else, things don’t always go well—everyone is up and ready in time for a morning devotional and scripture reading, and a family breakfast before leaving for church.  Church services are held in a meeting house.  Meeting houses have a chapel, classrooms, offices, and a “cultural hall.”

Once there, the family goes together to Sacrament Meeting. Sacrament Meeting is the main church service, and the entire family attends together, even babies and small children. This can make for some noisy meetings, as little ones wiggle or giggle until they’ve learned how to behave, but members of the Church feel Sacrament Meeting should be a family experience. Parents work to teach their children to be reverent during meetings, and take out for a few minutes any child who is struggling to behave.

During this meeting, church business is handled. An opening hymn and prayer will be said. Any member of the Church might be asked to pray to open the meeting. The prayer is given in his or her own words.  Then another song is sung, in preparation for the passing of the Sacrament, sometimes called Communion in other churches. In our church, this consists of bread and water, rather than wine.

A deacon is the first level of priesthood, obtained by worthy young men who are at least twelve years old. In the sacrament service, the deacons will pass the trays of bread and water to the congregation. The priests are sixteen or older. They bless the Sacrament, saying a prayer that is said in exactly the same way each time. While members sit in their seats and wait for the sacrament, they think about the Savior and His sacrifice made for them.

No collection plate is passed. Members of the Church pay their tithing privately by placing it in an envelope and giving it to one of three approved church leaders before or after meetings.

After the passing of the Sacrament, it’s time for the sermon. This often comes as a surprise to visitors. The Church is a lay church, and the pastor, called a bishop, can be any man who holds the priesthood. He has a regular job in the community of his own choosing and serves for around five years at a time in his church calling, without pay, and while continuing to be employed and to care for his family.

The bishop doesn’t speak most weeks, although he or his two counselors (advisors and assistants) do conduct the meeting. Instead, any member of the Church age twelve or older can be asked to speak on a specific topic. Once a year, the younger children present the meeting, sharing what they’ve learned the past year in their classes. Typical topics might be the atonement, faith, the value of scriptures, or the importance of family. Generally, one teenager and two adults speak during the meeting, which then closes with a song and prayer.

After the Sacrament Meeting ends, family members move in different directions. Children who are eighteen months to three years go to a nursery, where they are cared for, but also taught brief lessons, given a snack, helped to play games and sing songs under the loving care of volunteers. Children ages 3-12 go to Primary, an organization just for children. During Sharing Time and Singing Time, they are in a large room called the Primary Room with children of a variety of ages. They learn simple gospel truths based on an annual theme. They have opening exercises here, and the children give the prayers, read a scripture, and give “talks” for their peers. This trains them to do it in the Sacrament meeting when they’re older. Even a three-year-old might give a talk, a miniature sermon, usually with a parent standing beside him or her, helping out.

Then they split into classes based on age and go to smaller rooms with a teacher. You can read the lessons they are taught at LDS.org.

The teenagers go first to Sunday School in mixed-gender classes divided by age, and then to gender specific Young Men’s and Young Women’s classes. In Sunday School, they study a specific book of scripture over the course of a year, alternating between Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, and Doctrine and Covenants. In the youth classes, they learn how to apply the gospel to their everyday lives.

The adults go first to a combined Sunday School, and then to gender-specific classes. Of course, many adults are working in one of the auxiliaries as teachers or leaders during this time. Since we’re a church with a lay clergy, once again, everyone is a volunteer. Both men and women have extensive opportunities to serve as leaders and teachers in the various programs of the Church.

After church, families spend their days quietly doing things that will bring them closer to the Savior or serve Him. They might work on their callings (church volunteer jobs), read scriptures, teach the gospel to small children or have a family council meeting. Only necessary tasks are accomplished and members avoid spending money that day. It is meant to be a day of spirituality and quietness.

Today’s LDS family does not live in a gathered, isolated community, as do the FLDS. In the early days of the Church, members did gather together and form towns with their own leadership, although these towns were always open to outsiders and there are many reports of journalists or well-known people who visited the towns. This was necessary for their safety in a dangerous time. Today, however, members are encouraged to stay where they are when they join the Church, becoming involved in their communities and sharing the gospel with those around them. Few places in the world place church members in danger today. While many members of the Church still live in Utah, most do not.  There are more members of the Church outside the United States than in it.

Modern LDS children attend school the same way other children do. Some attend private or public schools. A few are homeschooled by their parents. The Church takes no stand on this matter other than to tell parents that they are responsible for seeing that their children are educated. This is another way we differ from the FLDS. We don’t maintain our own schools for all students. The Church has a few schools, largely colleges, but only a small number of church members attend them. Most attend the same schools as their non-LDS neighbors. Members of the Church have very high graduation rates, particularly for women, who are reported to graduate from college at higher rates than most other religions.

Modern LDS parents work in their own communities and do volunteer work there as well. They live in ordinary neighborhoods filled  with all sorts of people—anywhere in the world they choose to live– and are taught to be good neighbors. It’s likely you have a member of the Church living near you today.

One way LDS families differ from some other families today is that they work very hard to put families first. Many—but not all—LDS women choose to stay home with their children. Families set aside Monday nights as family nights. They attend church together. Every morning they read scriptures and pray together. Every evening they pray together. LDS families are encouraged not to become so involved in church and community work they neglect the most important work of all—building an eternal family.

And that is the most important way LDS families differ from other families. They believe their family life will continue after death. God made families so important to us and He’s promised us joy in Heaven. Who can be part of a loving family and believe they can be joyful without them? And so, LDS families work hard to build a family that is worthy of eternity.

In the next few articles, we’ll explore some of the unique aspects of modern LDS family life in more detail.